You shouldn’t be going to the dairy to buy marshmallows. But if you insist on being weird, at least buy marshmallow twists. Is there anybody in the world who doesn’t enjoy a chocolate fish? The creaminess of the chocolate and the colour of the marshmallow may differ with brands but the iconicity stays the same. The pink mini ones most often found in dairies are dangerous in that you could probably eat a dozen before wondering if maybe you should stop. Chocolate fish are probably the only lollies on this list that you could put on a fancy dessert platter and get away with it. We stan a versatile fish. No gummy is harder to chew than the infamous colourful crocodiles. It’s so, so hard. I used to think some off them had gone stale but no, that’s how hard they’re supposed to be. They’re a lovely colour, though, and the shape and size makes it fun to eat so credit where credit’s due. I discovered these late (year 12, shoutout Dilip’s Four Square in Wellington) but boy did I make up for lost time. Raspberry drops are easily the best value for money in that they last for ages and you get a bunch in every bag. The one downside is they make your tongue go red/purple which is fine for a kid after school and less fine for an adult in a work meeting. As far as taste and longevity goes, you simply cannot beat a raspberry drop. You have to really love a lolly to keep buying it even after learning of its cancelled name and concept. Nobody loves these lollies that much.

You could argue that TNTs shouldn’t be in this list at all because they’re individually wrapped. You could argue that, and you probably will argue that, but it’s too late. What’s done is done. TNTs used to be sold separately and were one of the rare 10 cent lollies for the high rollers. But given the shift away from build-a-bags, they’re now sold almost exclusively as dollar bags. And what a dollar bag. They’re the only lolly with actual liquid in them and are proper sour. In lieu of putting the almighty zombie chew on this list, I put the mini equivalent. Is anyone really going to the dairy to buy Russian fudge? Russian fudge is to be bought at primary school fairs, made by that one mum who makes it every year even after her kids have left the school. It is to be bought in direct sunlight, not under the fluorescent hell of dairy lighting.To serve, rim the glass with sugar, add a couple of scoops to a glass and then pour over 25ml of Framboise. I’ve noticed that people who are long in the tooth (euphemism and pun at the same time, you’re welcome) are very fond of these rainbow bars. I tasted one for the first time this week and I gotta tell you, I wasn’t impressed. What even is it? It tasted a little gooey like marshmallow but also jelly but also sugar granuley. Not a fan but I respect my elders so will rank it here. Place about 5 raspberries at the bottom of each lolly mould, you need about 1cm of space at the top of the mould, so push the raspberries down. I’ve opted for seasonal sprinkles, but you could also decorate them with crushed candy canes for a wintery spin. And don’t forget to stir in your favorite flavorings, such as cherry or strawberry extract to give the pops a punch of fruity flavor. When sour coke bottles exist, it’s sad to think that the non-sour coke bottle has to go around pretending it’s “pretty much the same”. The less successful sibling of dairy lollies, the non-sour coke bottle needs to rebrand away from its beloved relative. Start a clothing line, write poetry, become their manager, do something.

Slice the remaining 50g of pineapple chunks so they are thinner. Add these to your ice lolly moulds. Like the regular gummy strawberries but massive, tougher, and with way less flavour. You can eat them, or you can impress your friends by skipping them seven times across a lake. I saw a few comments about less than perfect results. I also had yellow tinged candies all though it did not affect the taste.

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Slice the strawberries lengthways, cut one of the limes in half and squeeze the juice into the sugar water. Cut the other lime into slices. The red Wonka liquorice ropes used to be stored in their bulk box, all stretched out and removed with a pair of tongs by god herself (the dairy owner). But for some reason, maybe health and safety regulations, they are now looped like a lasso rope and sold as a dollar bag. It’s taken away some of the fun but none of the flavour. Crash bandicoot avoiding blowpipes If you have a big sweet tooth, you’ve come to the right place filled with classic gameplay of rainbow mania, sweet candy drops, lollipops, and marshmallows! Cut the pineapple and add 200g of it to your blender, along with the coconut rum, agave nectar, and coconut milk. Blend until as smooth as possible. These are actually fine. They’re always nice in the mixed bags but I’ve never, ever seen someone buy a full dollar bag of them so they go right here.

Pour the watermelon and vodka blend into the mould and pop the mould in the freezer for an hour, or until the watermelon juice is part frozen but not totally solid. I like blowpipes (wish they had a better name than blowpipes tbh) but I’m aware that they’re polarising. They look like the scary red electric cords from the space level in Crash Bandicoot 2 and I assume that’s exactly what the manufacturers were going for. Unfortunately they’re sherbet without being sour, which makes the sherbet a bit pointless. But they come in nice colours and are satisfying to eat via being like a sweet noodle.Hahaha sour grapes, get it? I thought this list would be way easier than the chips one but I’m already at 2200 words hahaha je suis sour grapes.