At last, he breaks the pattern of being attracted to painful relationships that mirror his experiences with his parents. This in turn frees him to find a number of truly intimate and comforting relationships. Eventually he is blessed with his own functional and loving nuclear family. Our parents' mistreatment of us was not a response to some essential flaw or badness in us, but rather another awful example of how human beings ignorantly repeat the past when they haven't learned from it. Even if we had been supernaturally perfect in every way, we would still have suffered from our parents' blind replays of their own childhood tragedies" (224). Somatization injures the body through a third dynamic: the chronic tightening of the body's musculature to avoid feeling. Muscular contraction against feeling is a physiological form of self-hatred. It is a vicious way to saying no to healthy aspects of the self" (65). Repressing our emotions creates anxiety and stress, and stress, like most of our emotions is often treated like some unwanted waste that must be removed. Until all of the emotions are accepted indiscriminately (and acceptance does not imply license to dump emotions irresponsibly or abusively), there can be no wholeness, no real sense of well being, and no solid sense of self esteem.

The unvented pain of the past accumulates in layers in the unconscious. In this layering, memories of abuse and neglect appear to be sandwiched in between layers of grief. Each strata of painful memories emerges gradually, although not necessarily chronologically, over time" (105)In this vein, the degree of an individual's wholeness and integration is often seen in the degree to which s/he can love and respect the self and others, in a myriad of different feeling states. Equanimity with the self and real intimacy with others depends on the ability to lovingly be there for oneself and others, whether the feeling experience is dysphoric or harmonious. Those who can only be there for themselves or another during the "good" times show no constancy, inspire little trust, and are only "fair weather friends" to themselves and others. This book is a handbook for increasing your emotional intelligence. Moreover, if you are a survivor of a dysfunctional family, it is a guide for repairing the damage done to your emotional nature in childhood. As such it is actually a sequel to my later book: Complex PTSD from Surviving To Thriving. The Tao of Fully Feeling focuses primarily on the emotional healing level of trauma recovery. It is a safe handbook for grieving losses of childhood. Without access to our dysphoric feelings, we are deprived of the most fundamental part of our ability to notice when something is unfair, abusive, or neglectful. Those who cannot feel their sadness often do not know when they are being unfairly excluded, and those who cannot feel their normal angry or fearful responses to abuse, are often in danger of putting up with it without protest. Adult children benefit greatly from challenging and overthrowing false, destructive beliefs about forgiveness, blame and emotionality. Life is inordinately more painful than necessary when we hate, shame, and abandon ourselves for not feeling 'good.' If we remain trapped in our families' legacy of disdaining all but the most exalted emotions, we may never feel authentically forgiving toward ourselves or anyone else" (15).

have yet to acquire the full emotional, relational, and self-expressive capacities of mature adults. their grief fully and shamelessly enough to find the precious relief it offers. (Chapter 5 explores This book was recommended by a friend and I was initially skeptical - I’m not a person who’s shy with expressing non-positive feelings but didn’t find it helpful to unburden past traumas. When I was reading this book, I realized that I may never get rid of certain baggages by understanding them better, but I do get more clarity in myself and can pursue things that are desired by the real me and not the external voices I’ve internalized over the years.The mechanization of our forefathers produced the prototypes of the modern day "absent father" and "silent armchair daddy." Great is the number of adult children who have never played a game with their father or ever heard a tender word from him. I'm sure that if research was done, we would see a very high correlation between the incidence of family dysfunction, and the degree of meaninglessness and automation in parents' work lives" (220). self residing in the unconscious still waiting for the safety and nurturance it needs to come forth I'm only about 3 hours in and this is a very easy book to listen to, I'm finding it easier listening than his first book which was very intense I guess. This is kind of soothing for somebody whose parents never listened, and used shame and manipulation to keep me in line. We're estranged at the moment and they will only make up if I accept their narrative that they're perfect and I'm to blame. I am listening to this relating to a lot. Denial protects abused children from the overwhelming, undigestible reality that their parents are not their allies" (17).

This book is an in-depth exploration on how we can safely open ourselves up to these difficult “negative” emotions, and therefore enrich our lives. Pete Walker examines rage, grief, blame and shame - emotions that many of us struggle with. There are no pat answers or easy solutions offered. I found his advice and insights profound and humane. Many of us were so thoroughly rejected by our parents that we falsely view ourselves as ugly. Many of our parents exacerbated our awful self-image by grooming us poorly and by outfitting us in unflattering clothes and hairstyles" (137). Pete's new book, Homesteading in the Calm Eye of the Storm: A Therapist Navigates his CPTSD, is a companion book to his COMPLEX PTSD book. It is a Memoir of his journey of recovering, written in a more playful, easier-to-read style than his other books. It is poignant and humorous, and relatively free of psychological jargon. Pete's first book, The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness Out of Blame, is now also an audio book. It has been acclaimed by many therapists and clients as a powerful, compassionate and pragmatic tool for guiding recovery. Alice Miller, author of The Drama of the Gifted Child, wrote: "Pete Walker wrote a book about his own recovery from emotional numbness. The author passionately explores as thoroughly as possible the role of emotions in human life. The result is not only a moving, honest recount but also an informative guide for people who want to become more aware of their buried feelings. Walker's well explained concept of 'reparenting' will help them go through this fascinating process in a safe, protected way." Access-restricted-item true Addeddate 2022-01-12 11:10:18 Boxid IA40321503 Camera Sony Alpha-A6300 (Control) Collection_set printdisabled External-identifierPDF / EPUB File Name: The_Tao_of_Fully_Feeling__Harvesting_Forgi_-_Pete_Walker.pdf, The_Tao_of_Fully_Feeling__Harvesting_Forgi_-_Pete_Walker.epub titles alone vividly capture the collapse of the institution of parenting in our culture: Prisoners of Feelings and emotions are energetic states that do not magically dissipate when they are ignored. Much of our unnecessary emotional pain is the distressing pressure that comes from not releasing emotional energy. When we do not attend to our feelings, they accumulate inside us and create a mounting anxiety that we commonly dismiss as stress" (1). Toxic shame is the product of prolonged exposure in childhood to parental disapproval and disgust" (xii). Those who finally come to terms with their grief no longer struggle with the desire to be finished with it forever. They have learned to cherish their ability to grieve, and value it as an irreplaceable tool of emotional hygiene" (111).

Many survivors grow more attractive as they learn to accept their feelings and become more authentic. Authenticity allows them to release the facial tension and postural contortion that accompanies emotional repression and forced smiling" (137). humanity. Industrial societies treat feelings as if they are obsolete parts. The Tao of Fully Feeling The Tao of Fully Feeling is a kind and calm voice that guides you to discover feelings you buried deep down and legitimize these feelings. I find the contents well-written and highly relatable. We have to walk down the path of anger, blame, grief, self-forgiveness, and maybe eventual forgiveness.

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Others of us, however, are only able to feel forgiveness for our parents from a distance. Thus, while our grief work may bring us powerful feelings of forgiveness, it may still be impossible to feel relaxed or safe around our parents" (229). Though the book discusses forgiveness and blame and how that relates to our parents (or perpetrators) and ourselves, it never breaks down into a whiney tone or goes into a deflection of responsibility on our part or those of the abusers. The tone is...well, it's functional, healthy, and kind.