Now, we have to slow down and come together, and all [those problems] are just sitting here waiting for us," says Sherrell, who says she finds herself frequently working with couples who struggle after having children. " Your sex life isn't good? It's probably not going to get better with a kid." I was quoting this book so often to my husband he’s decided he’s going to read it, which I’m thrilled about. I feel unsupported”– it’s not a feeling, it’s an accusation, aggressive!, it still uses “you” (you relaxing on the couch – with accusing tone, again). Saying “it feels (no, it “thinks” or “believes”) like I have to…, you’re more important….” is a ruminating assumption and has no purpose. It’s still aggressive as hell, and using “I feel” doesn’t change the emotional communicate.

Motherhood is really like being in an action movie that goes on for your whole life—but with all the boring, everyday bits left in,” she says. “Mothers have to do a poo in four parts because a child will cry, and then they try and finish off but the child needs them again! A new mother will work far harder, more creatively, and more effectively than people who don’t have children—because she has to.” Before you disagree or respond to his allegations, try “I hear that you’re frustrated because I left you with the baby all morning and then said I needed a nap.” Use “I” statements Plus, leaving is a great way to get Dad involved in those early months without having someone critique the way he does things. Say “thank you” a lotKids don't perceive household chores as being awful when they're very young--we're training them to do that when we complain about them" (p174) I loved this book because it had so many hands-on ideas for improving relationships. And not just marriage, but also how you interact with your children, your parents or in-laws, your neighbors and your co-workers. It’s perfectly normal for couples to argue. But sometimes those arguments aren’t particularly… Read more However, there is some solidarity to be found – particularly online. While the highlight reel of happy families on social media can make some struggling parents feel isolated, others find support in digital communities where others candidly share their difficult experiences. Research has shown the vast majority of relationships change after having a baby. A 2021 study from the University of Born showed that, on average, relationship satisfaction fluctuates over time – and declines during the first 10 years of being together – whether couples are parents or not.

Doing more Montessori/"Mayan style" (per NPR) expectations of children contributing to the household: But what, you ask, if your husband doesn’t want to do any domestic labor? What if he’s content to let you be the maker of the grocery lists and the keeper of the pediatrician appointments, summer camps, play dates and special laundry instructions? Then, Dunn, says, you are going to have to learn to ... When friends warned her that, after children were added to the mix, her marriage would go downhill, she was skeptical. And using accusations doesn’t bring up sympathy or compassion for our situation in the partner, but defense mechanisms instead. After all, he is relaxing because he is tired. So he gets accusations, his relax time away, just with a sauce of fake feeling talk so he can’t respond, depriving him of possibility to talk about his feelings.

How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

We also need to appreciate each other more. At the end of the day and on the other side of all of the experts, Dunn comes to a dozen important realizations. One of which, appreciation, seems to be the magic bullet for most of her formerly-insurmountable marriage woes. It isn't a new message but it is one that is worth repeating. all the ways you can say yes, and sprinkle them throughout your daily marital interactions: Yes, that’s a good idea. Yes, I’m totally on board. Yes, that looks fun. Couples who make a practice of doing this, he has said, are much more likely to go the distance.” London-based Andy says he and his wife also developed "feelings of resentment" towards each other after the births of their two children, despite having had a "very solid foundation" for their marriage. Ben and I have been doing a similar sleeping-in schedule, giving me Saturdays and him Sundays for an extra hour or so of sleep without feeling guilty. the pay gap between males and females starts squarely at home, with allowance...boys get paid 15% more for the same chores done by girls" (p175)

On the brink of marital Armageddon, Dunn plunges into the latest relationship research, solicits the counsel of the country's most renowned couples' and sex therapists, canvasses fellow parents, and even consults an FBI hostage negotiator on how to effectively contain an "explosive situation." Instead of having the same fights over and over, Dunn and her husband must figure out a way to resolve their larger issues and fix their family while there is still time. As they discover, adding a demanding new person to your relationship means you have to reevaluate -- and rebuild -- your marriage. In an exhilarating twist, they work together to save the day, happily returning to the kind of peaceful life they previously thought was the sole province of couples without children. A simple takeaway is for husbands to drop the word “Later” from their vocabulary. Instead, replace it with the time by which you will have something done. How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids is a witty and practical non-fiction account of the struggles of Jancee Dunn and her husband after their first child was born. This idea was reminiscent of another one I heard from a friend where her and her husband each get 1 evening off per week. Every Tuesday she knows not to expect her husband to help with house/ kids from 5pm onward and she can look forward to a kid-free / work-free evening on Thursday. We haven’t tried this one but if weekend schedules don’t permit that simple kind of Saturday/Sunday division, then this week night idea might work better for you. Get Dad Involved For example, “I feel frustrated and unsupported when I come out from putting the baby to bed to find the kitchen still a mess and you relaxing on the couch because it feels like I have to do it all by myself and that your relaxation is more important than mine.” Leave the house

This book would fall into the same category as Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project, which a more sarcastic person might describe as "incredibly privileged NYC mom tries to make her dream life even better."