On the other hand, someone who is obsessed with you will be jealous and possessive. They won't like the idea of you growing as a person, or having any independence, lest you meet someone else and leave them. The person also begins to visualize a future with his or her love interest in total disregard for the need of properly anchoring the relationship on friendship first. The second phase is known as the anxious phase. After both partners agree to a relationship, the relational dependent partner begins to exhibit certain characteristics born of anxiety.

Has a healthy sexual appetite in a committed and loving relationship Has a nocturnal emission during sleep (wet dreams) Occasionally masturbates (different from habitual) We engage in acts of revenge against people we perceive as a threat to our relationships. Our revenge can be against a partner or the people we perceive as a threat to our relationships. Our revenge takes the form of emotional, physical, or financial abuse. Examples of these behaviors include the following:I WALKED INTO THE HOSPITAL ROOM that evening with his file, expecting to see him lying in an inclined bed and propped up by a set of pillows. Instead, he was sitting still in a chair, gazing out the window of his private room while watching the purple autumn sky grow dim as the sun disappeared behind the city’s skyline. Tears were running down his face as he twisted a piece of paper in both hands. Tom, a thirty-four-year-old midlevel business executive had been admitted to the hospital a week earlier after his doctor became concerned over a dangerously high temperature, coupled with extreme fatigue and chronic diarrhea. Sitting in his chair, he looked totally unattached to reality. To let him know I was in the room, I placed the file I was carrying on the window’s ledge. “So you are my case manager? I am sorry you have to see me like this,” he began, taking a few tissues from a box on a nearby table and blotting his eyes. In a gesture of support, I pulled up a chair and sat down next to him, resting my hand on his shoulder. “Yes, I am,” I said, gently squeezing his shoulder and looking into his eyes. Tom took a deep breath and began to tremble, trying to work up the courage to speak. Tears continued pouring from his eyes, and his lips began to quiver. A defining characteristic of addictive behaviors is that they involve the pursuit of short-term gratification at the expense of long-term harm. To be sure, Tom was harming himself both emotionally and physically while at the bathhouse, yet he remained ambivalent to the self-inflicted damage. Each anonymous sexual experience fed his addictive cycle, increasing the need for more of the “drug,” in this case, sex, while he struggled to maintain emotional stability. For those of us who are relationally dependent and sexually addicted, a direct threat to our health can unintentionally become a turning point. Tom’s health threat occurred in the form of an HIV/AIDS diagnosis. This represented a crucial turning point that forced him to embark down the road of self-awareness, which ultimately led him to seek help. The fifth type of love – possession love – is characterized by the need to control the other partner, and a high degree of jealousy. Lastly, selfless love involves the recognition of the other partner’s interests. Such love is exemplified by the willingness to forgo and sacrifice some matters for the sake of the other partner. For whom have I labored? For whom have I journeyed? For whom have I suffered? I have gained absolutely nothing for myself—I have only profited the snake! Butterflies, excitement, and daydreaming aren't red flags on their own. In fact, they are hints you're on the right path for something great. But if you feel you are being controlled by your passion, rather than the other way around, things can easily spin out of control.

In dreams last night, the heavens and the earth poured out great groans while I alone stood facing devastation.Demanding that a partner abandon friendships that predated the relationship. Guilting a partner into spending time with us, rather than his friends. “She’s not your girlfriend, you know” is an example of such a control tactic. Punishing a partner by becoming emotionally or verbally abusive if she does spend time with a friend. the day before yesterday, and so on and so on. We must look inward for clues to the person we are and validate the harms that were inflicted on us in the past. Remember, however, that our past does not define us. With each new day, we have the opportunity to create change, and with that change, self-renewal. In the following chapter, we will examine the specific attachment styles of the person who confuses love with obsession and the experiences and perceptions of the person being controlled. So why would Kate, a vibrant, intelligent, and attractive young woman, allow herself to be trapped into a physically abusive relationship with a man who posed a real danger to her life? Why couldn’t she follow through on her desire to separate from him? The simple answer is she was emotionally incapable of walking away, despite her intellectual awareness. For Kate and many of us who confuse love with obsession, there is a misguided belief that the abuser’s behavior can somehow be controlled, changed, even fixed. Let’s take a closer look at Kate’s childhood and relate her past to her present. One way to tell if you - or your partner - are smitten or obsessed is by looking at what's appropriate for where you are on your timeline.

While in the book Chris’s actions may look irrational to some people, there is a reason for his actions. His desire to be loved came from childhood and his relationship with his mother. Trying to find a substitute for those feelings that he did not receive is a feasible reaction. Looking at the situation from a different perspective, it is clear that this type of relationship brings discomfort and distress to both partners. One side is suffering from obtrusive thoughts about his or her partner and the relationship, while the other side is growing weary from excessive attention. Characteristics of the Obsessive Love Wheel If someone you are dating showers you with affection and gifts right at the start, it could be a sign of love bombing - where a manipulative person makes you believe you've found "the one," only to start being cruel and distant once they've hooked you. PRIMARY TOOL OF CONTROL: Alcohol and other drugs Age: thirty-four. In a two-year relationship. Both parents were alcoholics. Dear Mr. Moore: I am in an abusive relationship with a man. Although I know he loves me, sometimes I get hit for no reason. I am not sure where to turn and would really like some help. I live on the South Side of Chicago and work downtown as a receptionist for a big company. I need to talk to someone about my problem. Is that person you? There are four phases/characteristics of the Obsessive Love Wheel, as enunciated by Moore. These phases analyze the behavior of persons who exhibit a Relational Dependency (RD) characteristic – an inordinately high tendency for love addiction and codependency in a relationship.

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Enduring physical and/or emotional abuse, believing that a partner will one day see that she is “hurting you and the relationship” Staying in an abusive relationship and believing that “If I show enough love, he will see how destructive his behavior is” Confusing verbal abuse with love, believing that “You only hurt the ones you love; that’s why he calls me those names, you know” Confusing physical abuse with love, believing that “When he hits me, at least I know he cares” The relational dependent person sinks into depression given that the relationship fails. The person blames her/himself for the collapse of the relationship, and may seek revenge on the partner by physically harming him/her. Due to low-self esteem arising from abandonment, the relational dependent person engages in self-destructive behaviors such as substance abuse, inebriation, and binge eating. In this final phase, the relational dependent person is considered to be at risk of suicide. When we are unable to control the relationship with a partner, we transfer our need to control to other people. Because we are frustrated with the inevitable loss of control over a partner, we look for other people to control, especially children, parents, and other family members. This involves a psychological defense process called displacement, which means we direct the emotions we have for one person toward another. Examples of displacement include

Jeopardizing important life relationships, including friends, family and colleagues in pursuit of another. Calling our partner names and obscenities in an attempt to bully him into making a confession of a suspected act of infidelity. Hitting our partner for an act or suspected act of infidelity, hoping to teach her that there are repercussions for “cheating.” Some of us may have told our mate, “If I can’t have you, nobody can,” meaning that we beat our partner so she will look unattractive. This is a dangerous and sometimes fatal form of control. Obsessively passionate people are insecure and so preoccupied with losing their partner they actually end up neglecting them. They are defensive, controlling, and resentful, so it's no surprise women in relationships with obsessively passionate men report being less sexually satisfied. sectetur adipiscing elit. Nam lacinia pulvinar tortor nec facilisis. Pellentesque dapibus efficitur laoreet. Nam risus ante, dapibus a molestie consequat, ultrices ac magna. Fusce dui lectus, congue vel laoreet ac, dictum vitae odio. Donec aliquet. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Nam lacinia pulvinar tortor nec facilisis. Pellentesque dapibus efficitur laoreet. Nam risus ante, dapibus a molestie consequat, ultrices ac magna. Fusce dui lectus, congue vel laoreet ac, dictum vitae odi maintain relational homeostasis. His enabling behaviors toward Michael were extremely self-serving, because his sole desire was to replace self-love through a relationship with another person. He controlled Michael by using his partner’s addiction to alcohol to get what he needed to feel whole—affection. When booze didn’t work, he escalated his manipulative behaviors to include cocaine and other party drugs—whatever he could use to control Michael. And to be sure, the suggestion that Mark also attend AA was right on target, as he, too, is chemically dependent. For some of us who confuse love with obsession, alcohol and other drugs can indeed be used as a tool of control. They are perhaps the most dangerous tool because they can damage the mind, body, and soul. If we truly wish to be free from relational dependency, we must take into account this particular method of control and seek treatment for any chemical addictions that may also be present.Destruction is the last stage of the Obsessive Love Wheel. It occurs after the end of a relationship, and it is connected to an afflicted person feeling devastated and lost. Relationally dependent persons may deny the end of the relationship or feel vengeful towards their partner or somebody who is involved in the breakup. Moreover, afflicted individuals often blame themselves for other reasons, rather than for being manipulative and controlling. The four stages described above progress through the course of a relationship at various speeds, depending on an individual. Gained Knowledge addictive eddy of control, self-blame, and repetition. If we are being abused, it is important to understand that physical violence in any relationship is unacceptable. When a person slaps, hits, punches, or in any way becomes violent with her partner, it is abuse. When a person punches holes through solid walls, throws around heavy objects, or uses his body size to intimidate his partner, it is abuse. And when a person pathologically violates her partner through acts of violence, the abuse can escalate to the point of serious injury and, in some cases, death. Violence is never a substitute for love. Those of us who actively confuse love with obsession in physically abusive relationships usually exhibit the following characteristics before embarking down a path to recovery: