Actions come with consequences, whether good or bad. This means there is really no need to reward or punish children for their actions. Nothing teaches kids better than the outcome of their actions. I agree with Kohn on many levels. This book is worth skimming through your local library’s copy if you are not a Psychology person and are looking for some different perspectives on parenting. But at the end of the day, just like always, do your best with what you’ve got. Try something new. And don’t let fear or habit dictate your parenting. Parents tend to forget their humanity when relating with their children. However, parenting from the perspective that you’re always right doesn’t do much to help your child’s confidence.

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn | Waterstones

I am not sure quite what to rate this book. Would I recommend this to others...not sure. Here is what I liked and what I didn't like about the book. I listen to them when they give reasons of why they didn't hand in their homework, but I make it clear that I expect their behavior to change anyway. I don't listen to their excuses when the “missing homework” behavior continues. I don't listen to explanations when they are really just justifications (see Dan Ariely's work about the false attributions people consistently give for their own motivations/behaviors in my behavioral economics reading list.). Results matter. Intent doesn't always matter. This is life. To shield children from this basic cognitive/behavioral reality is to warp their perspective and set them up for real-world disappointments.

As mentioned, unconditional parenting is not without a few not-so-pleasant effects. One of the most apparent challenges is judgment from others. Relatives, neighbors, and other parents will judge your parenting; make no mistake!

What Is Unconditional Parenting? - Think Positive Check

If your kid does something bad, try to explain why it was bad and invoke empathy as much as possible (have their actions affected someone else, perhaps?). Most importantly, make it clear that you still love them anyway. However, there is no room for this type of motivation and these parenting techniques in unconditional parenting. I often find myself nodding my head in agreement while reading parenting books, because I tend to gravitate towards books that align with my current beliefs that just need some fine tuning. This book, however, did not have me nodding in agreement throughout. Although the large ideas in the book were already things I strongly agreed with, many parts of the book challenged me. Alfie had me questioning things that I believed to be "best practice" in both the classroom and at home with my toddler. When starting this book, I put a lot of focus of how my son behaves, but now I focus on our relationship and how I want that to look right now when he's 2 and when he's 40. I recommend this book to all parents who are looking for ways to foster a positive relationship with their child that honors and respects the child as their own person. Go into this book with an open mind. Chances are you will have to put aside things you've done or seen done for years.While I accept some of Kohn's premises (respect children's ability to make decisions, expect age-appropriate, ability-appropriate behavior), I disagree with his disregard of parents' emotions and feelings. Kohn expects the parent to be ever self-sacrificing, ever-searching for pure motivations behind their children's behavior. Yes, the Ideal Parenting Rulebook dictates that parents should love their children more than themselves, more than anyone or anything else on the planet. I get it. But I am not a mere object in my child's growth. I am a functioning human being with needs, goals, objectives, and emotions that are oftentimes in conflict with my children's. And guess what? If there are some important battles on the line, or even if I'm flat out of patience, I win the battle. Why? Because I know better what is the greater good for the family and I also know that if I don't preserve my own sanity, we will all fail. The premise being, children who feel they are respected, heard, and taken seriously are less likely to try to assert themselves at every opportunity making everything a battle. Kohn's book encourages you to re-evaluate the reasons behind their actions, how to foster independence, encourage dialogue, work together to resolve dilemmas, and how to help them own the solution. Thankfully, there are positive ways to handle judgments without being reactive. I recommend reading this article to learn what to do when other parents judge your parenting. Bottom Line