I'm having a barbecue, fancy coming over? - I'd love to! - Do you mind if I bring my guitar? - I'd rather you didn't, it's not that kind of area. Let me tell you something about the Titanic, people forget, people forget that on the Titanic's maiden voyage there were over 1000 miles of uneventful, very pleasurable cruising before it hit the iceberg! has got some rude graffiti on - Graffiti? What, in the hotel? - No, there's never any graffiti in the hotel.

That was "Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell, a song in which Joni complains that they paved Paradise to put up a parking lot.

Alan leaves the BBC building, heads back to his car:

Alan: Would you like me to lap dance for you? [Tony shows a ten pound note] Uh-uh. I want a second series. Lynn arrives and wakes up Alan to discuss the days events:

Alan: Let me rephrase that. Can I… No, actually I’ll just repeat the question. Have I got a second series? Alan: Can I just say, this is music to my ears. [Wait starts to pour the Blue Nun] Whoa!, what are you doing? What are you doing? The BBC describe it as a “heady mix of consumer affairs, news, highbrow interviews and lightweight froth”. Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge promoting his book Nomad in 2016 (Photo: Getty)Tony: I don’t think you should see your future just at the BBC, Alan. I just think it’s time for you to consider moving on to new pastures.

Who-oo Who-oo Who do you think you are? Unfortunately for you, I am the Chief Commissioning Editor of BBC Television. Alan to his listeners: Kate Bush there, the lovely Kate Bush. With The Man With The Child In His Eyes. Which brings us on very neatly to my next guest. Mr Stephen Brai, who’s father invented Cats Eyes. Stephen, what was it like living with the… being the son of the man who invented Cats Eyes. commenting on random clips of football/soccer matches in a build up to the upcoming 1994 FIFA World Cup): Shit! Did you see that!? He must have a foot like a traction engine. Striker! And that, was a gooooooal! The proof is in the pudding and in this case the pudding, is a football... Alan: Right, well, I’ll do my stint. I’d want expenses though. Otherwise people start taking liberties. Before you know it you’re mowing their lawn. But not too informal; it's not Nigel Pinsent's "In Depth", but neither is it Wally Banter's Junk-Box

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Alan: Abandon that, Lynn, it’s not working. Ok, doomsday scenario. You, Tony Hayers, have decide not to give me another television series. Why? Be tough.

Alan: Is the a neighbourhood… sorry I’m very close to you aren’t I? Is there a neighbourhood watch system? If you come up with anything else, then I don't want you to hesitate to call Would you like me to lap dance for you? Blue Nun! . Michael: What I’m saying is that, like if they had themselves proper jobs you know, what there ‘gan ’til, then they wouldn’t ‘dee it. A lot of them’s from broken homes.

COOK PASS BABTRIDGE

Alan: Well there you go, they taught you a trade. Minor repairs. [Lift door begins to close on Alan] Really? I loved that phrase you used, it was very clever, where you said "Revolution, not evolution". Alan: We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in big nappies and then get them to throw each other out of a circle that we draw with chalk on the ground. Throughout the questions I will be remaining impartial at all times. I will remain Pontius Partridge. Smell my cheese! - Alan, please! - Smell my cheese, you mother! - I think that's quite enough, thank you! I've got cheese! This is cheese! Bloody BBC! What are you doing? Haven't you programmes to make? No, you're all on the BBC gravy train! I wish I was.