When a guy expresses interest in me, I take that interest at face value. I don’t ask him whether he’s gay, bi or straight. People have an infinite capacity to rationalize doing something that doesn’t correlate with their own self-image. If a guy wants to give head and still considers himself straight, that’s his business, and his issue to deal with on his own. And if he doesn’t want to discuss it with me, that’s ok. Some of these guys even tell “fag” jokes, and it’s, sadly, just a very obvious defense mechanism. The whole thing went down near the end of my freshman year at a party, at which people from the whole dorm floor were drunk and celebrating, carelessly streaming in and out of each other’s rooms, following the various different pop songs until one room took their fancy. I can remember, although I'd had some drinks, sitting alone in my friend’s room on a single bed, the mattress overly springy and with a coarse plastic coating, attempting to stream a song over our dorm’s spotty Internet connection. You do not want his girlfriend finding out. Why? Well, just imagine how you'd feel if your boyfriend wanted to hang out with a guy he cheated on you with. Unless she's a super kinky freak and finds it incredibly hot and either wants to watch her boyfriend and you together, or wants to have a threesome, she's not going to want him anywhere near you. When that phone call ended, my mind started racing with more and more questions. It’s been almost a week now, and there’s not a day that has gone by in which I haven’t thought about that night and all the unanswered questions. That’s why I’m posting this thread here.

I was 19 when I first had full-on sex with another man. I was at college, living in dorms, and the experience—aside from the usual horrifying awkwardness and somewhat spontaneity of the occasion—was completely and utterly unremarkable aside from one thing: the guy I slept with identified as straight. When this happened to me, I pretended not to remember anything because I knew the situation would be uncomfortable for my straight friend. In other words, I was trying to give him an escape route by pretending that I didn’t remember anything about that night (plausible deniability, if you will). If he thought that I didn’t remember anything about that night, then he could say the same thing and never have to mention it again.

The Sleepover - Like Father, Like Son

This guy is one of my best friends (if not my best friend). He was one of the first people I came out to. He has always been very supportive of my lifestyle, and is always there for me to talk to. Your friend likely regrets that this situation took place just as much as you do. He probably knows that you remember some of what happened that night, and he’s probably worried about your friendship just as much as you are. Try to act normal around him, and remember how important your friendship is. The more you act normal around him (even if it feels weird on the inside), the more it will genuinely start to feel normal again. This will take time, but I promise that it’s worth it for the sake of your friendship. I’m definitely attracted to this guy, and I guess hooking up with him was always a fantasy of mine. But I tried to keep that fantasy out of my mind as much as possible because I valued his friendship so much. I wanted to see him as a good friend, not as the object of some fantasy. I thought that would only cause problems with the friendship, regardless of whether he knew about the fantasy or not. Do you think she will understand that this was just a physical act that occurred in your intoxicated state and in no way reflects on your sexual preference? I’ve told you that I don’t think this makes you gay or even bi, but it’s not like you can just print off this post and show it to your girlfriend as proof. I think that most straight people have a problem understanding situations like this because they identify so strongly with being straight. So until they find themselves in a similar situation, they don’t see how it can be possible for a straight person to have a sexual experience with a person of the same sex and not be gay or at least bisexual. This is why you’re having such a hard time dealing with the whole experience, and it’s very likely that your girlfriend would have a problem with it for the same reasons. I hope that you are able to come to terms with this situation, realize why it happened, and realize that it doesn’t change anything about you or your orientation. I think it would be much harder for your girlfriend to come to terms with the situation because she’s not the one it happened to.

Men grow up with feelings that if they give into a homosexual encounter that it makes them a “fag”, a sub-creature that is less than human. These feelings are bad, and men need to realize that an alternative lifestyle is not evil. Some of them also have stereotypical beliefs about women’s sexuality and think that if they have extramarital sex with women, the women could become ‘emotionally clingy’ and that it could threaten their marriage. People who live in small towns and rural areas typically consider marriage as an important part of their identity. These men think that sex with men is a lot less complicated with no attachment. I find it particularly interesting and ironic that their conservative beliefs about gender actually encourage them to have sex with men. Long ago, I stopped being amazed at how many guys love to give head or receive anally, yet claim that they’re 100% straight. I’ve wanted to shake them by the shoulders and yell, “for God’s sake, man, look what you just did!!! How can you call yourself straight???” But obviously this would not be a very cool thing to say. Go for a walk or a run. This may sound simple at first, but hear me out. You're probably already thinking about this situation on a daily basis, playing the events of that night over and over in your head, and asking yourself the same questions over and over. So why not process these thoughts while doing something physical at the same time. Set aside an hour or so to go walking or running, and tell yourself that you're not going to think about this situation until during your walk or run. Then, instead of wearing headphones and listening to music during your walk/run, use that time to think about your situation; meditate; be alone with just your thoughts; ask the "what if's" and other questions that have been consuming your brain; think about the pros and cons of telling your girlfriend or confronting your friend about the situation; develop a plan for how you can avoid a similar situation in the future. I don’t remember if any words were exchanged, but it was definitely on from that point. We only fooled around – mainly oral with him being the receiver. He tried to go for more, but he was too drunk to find any lube. Finally we passed out on a blanket on the floor.

At first there was an awkward silence. But then, after taking a super deep toke, Mike replied, “Cool man but I’m covering my eyes.” I have never been intoxicated enough to not recollect my actions, especially engaging in sex with someone, and I sincerely doubt the honesty of anyone who claims such complete and total memory loss. Your best option is to let it go, chaulk it up to an error and forget it. If he comes to you with a confession and a willingness to leave her and move forward with you, then you will have your answers, and what you want. My main concern with this ordeal is not wanting to jeopardize a friendship. I'm uncomfortable about this whole situation mainly because he is uncomfortable. It doesn't bother me that I fooled around with another guy (other than the fact I enabled him to cheat); I'm gay after all. On the other hand, he is a straight guy in a serious relationship. I know that he probably remembers at least something, and is probably very bothered by it. And that is what's ultimately bothering me. I want so badly to let him know that it was a mistake and that it won't happen again. I want to let him know that I won't ever bring up the situation again. I want to let him know that our friendship means much more to me than some stupid, drunken mistake. I want to let him know that he has nothing to worry about. BUT, I can't. I still think the best thing to do, as many of you have suggested, is to keep my mouth shut unless he brings it up. Even then, I'll probably feign ignorance and write it off to being drunk.

I think cheating is wrong. I also believe that people make mistakes and can learn from those mistakes. It seems probable that your girlfriend will not find out about this incident unless you specifically tell her. Assuming that you've learned your lesson and are genuinely contrite, I stand by my earlier statement that I don't how telling your girlfriend can make the situation any better. I was at the gym one evening, drenched in sweat and sore, and nothing could prepare me for the sexy studs Mac and David.

Mike even started showing me ways to workout using resistance bands and a kettlebell. Kind of cool, huh? During these training sessions, we got to know one another better and in ways that I can’t explain, increased our level of trust. Cloudy haze He started talking about wishing he could hook up with women and was tired of the whole social distancing thing. In my own way, I revealed I was struggling with the same thing. So what I am saying is, don't be surprised if this does not go well for you. Also, my 'straight' friend was single. Yours is not. You have to consider that you just enabled him to cheat on his girlfriend. Not a good situation to put yourself in. Sometime in the distant future, you might want to bring it up just to get it off your chest. I would let a lot of time pass before I talked about it though. It always helps to talk about a sensitive subject like this after a considerable amount of time has passed. It won’t feel so weird talking about it if a year or so has gone by. If you do decide to bring it up in the future, make sure the time is right. Choose a time when you and your friend are both in a good mood, and when you can talk about it in private and face-to-face.