Actions come with consequences, whether good or bad. This means there is really no need to reward or punish children for their actions. Nothing teaches kids better than the outcome of their actions. Are you kidding me??? So if I tell my child I love her, I actually don't? Because it means I don't show it? Once we do get to the advice portions of the book, it's vague. Kohn pretty much tells us that he's being vague because he doesn't want parents to be following formulas to raise their children. He has a good point - there's clearly no one-size-fits-all solution for parenting. But would it have killed him to include a few examples now and then? This is not a reference book. It's about the philosophy of parenting. It's about examining every interaction you have with your child with this question in mind: am I showing my kid that I love them right now? Children can be immoral, selfish, violent, abusing, manipulative horrible little animals, just like any other humans.

Unconditional Parenting | Book by Alfie Kohn | Official

As you may have figured, unconditional parenting isn’t the easiest parenting style. Kids may love it, but most parents will have a hard time adjusting to the style. Traditional parenting styles often use rewards, praises, and punitive measures to control childrens behavior. The goal is to use these motivations to “shape” kids into responsible individuals. By allowing kids to make their own decisions, you will raise self-confident, independent kids who are not afraid of making mistakes because they can count on your support, no matter what.

Unconditional Parenting is going to make you think – hard – about the type of relationship you want to have with your child, about your parenting priorities, and about how to avoid many of the mistakes of our predecessors. It’s what we’ve come to expect from Alfie Kohn, and this is unquestionably one of his most persuasive, important works. For your sake and your child’s…read it!” It is okay not to have all the answers, even as parents. And it is even more important to not pretend about it. Let your kids see that you are authentic, and don’t forget to apologize when you are wrong. The Greater Good Science Center studies the psychology, sociology, and neuroscience of well-being, and teaches skills that foster a thriving, resilient, and compassionate society.

Unconditional Parenting - (Book) - Alfie Kohn

Quite frankly, I think it's a tough book to fully internalize. Kohn does explain what he wants parents to do, but it's a deductive puzzle: his rules are broad and general while your exact circumstances are specific. To be fair, I already practice a lot of what Kohn promotes. I am well-schooled in human ability, brain development, etc., and that schooling allows me to reason appropriately at different stages with my kids. Indeed, reasoning with kids becomes more effective as they (very slowly) gain more ability to reason. Understand that kids simply want to have fun, and it often seems like we are getting in their way, regardless of our best intentions. Rewards and punishments turn children’s attention onto themselves; ‘what will happen to me if I (share, hit him, say thank you etc)’ rather than ‘what will happen to him and how will he feel if I (you get the point)’ This was something that Alfie put into words so well. Read the book just for this point (I don’t have specific quotes but it’s a recurring theme). What kind of people do you look up to, want to know and be friends with? People who are considerate, kind and look out for you or people who only do stuff for you if there is something in it for them.Despite that, I read this very slowly in short snippets over a long span of time and I thought about it and mulled it over and talked about it with my wife. So I think I've come to something that resembles a pair of actual rules a parent could reasonably follow: Your kid does something good, it's okay to encourage it, but somehow (and this is the hard part) make it clear that your love is in no way due to the thing they just did.