Eventually I guess he realised he wasn’t going to get his affair and after ignoring me to the point of making my job really difficult he decided to start using me as a free marriage therapist for months, announced to everyone in the company that I wanted him to get divorced, and started acting as though I’d been the one chasing him. He would do stuff like stare at me, ask if I was going to the gym after work, then make comments about how great his wife looked. I’ve never deluded myself about being ’hot’. I was the awkward nerdy kid in school and haven’t changed much. But my confidence was completely trashed after a few weeks. It wasn’t until I learned to recognize my controlling behavior and make a different choice that the romance returned. For years I truly believed if I could just get my husband to be tidier, more romantic, and more considerate everything would be fine in our marriage. I told him as much, and while that didn’t improve things at all, it did create wall-to-wall hostility and tension in our home.

Kristen, I can see why you’re at a loss after you’ve tried everything. You shouldn’t have to work so hard. That sounds really discouraging and scary. You are definitely not alone with this. I remember the days when I needed a miracle to fix my marriage. To paraphrase Thomas Wolfe, miracles not only happen around here, they happen all the time! I barely leave the house now. I work online with a team, but rarely communicate with anyone else. I’ve lost all trust in humans and I’m burnt out from being used and thrown away so many times. I can’t help but view other people as dangerous wild animals that could turn around and bite me at any moment. It just isn’t worth the risk to get close to anyone again. There are a few people in my family that I will let in to a certain extent, but even then I am wary of getting hurt. It’s completely changed me as a person. Maybe that’s a good thing. My entire family, extended family, neighborhood, friends, teachers etc humiliated me regularly and severely. It evolved into my teen relationships, sometimes it was because of social mis steps and sometimes just for the fun and it carried on into my adult life. Partly organically, like, if I met someone in a group who knew me as a child, they would then let everyone know of my misdeeds as a child so they could get a laugh at my expense and all of a sudden I become that person again. I moved to a new city but still, I think because I just don’t know how to act around people because I was always so ostracized… I’m now very sensitive to even the most mild humiliation like being left out (which happens on the rare occasion I try to “put myself out there” and have friends), or being used or talked about etc. I can’t handle it and I just recluse sometimes for years. Eucharia, I can see why you’re feeling heartbroken! I would be too if my husband were doing that, especially with a new baby on your hands. People would ask him questions-doctors, waitresses, delivery people–and I would answer for him to make sure that everyone got the right information and impression of our family. 3. Making decisions for him, like…Physically, I have healed a lot, although I look and feel as if I’ve aged a decade in the last few months. I was put in intensive therapy for a while and told I had CPTSD, which was actually useful. I still had a few things from childhood that needed fixing, so that was a tiny silver lining. I feel so supported and validated by all the women who are struggling WITH the Steps and with all the Work. I have been practicing the work and seeing amazing results for a while (2-3 years). But as soon as I miss a step it’s as if we never had an improvement. I feel like it all depends on me. Now he hasn’t spoken to me in over a month(It’s a searing pain just to write it) even though we still live together (it sounds unbelievable, right?) We pretend in front of the kids so they shouldn’t suffer. He realized and is very hurt that I don’t trust him. He betrayed my trust (He admits that). It was 3 years ago. He claims I wrote him off after that. I didn’t then, but stuff came up again and I am so anxious all the time. When I was practicing the Steps it felt great but not real. We are going for help. Nothing is helping. I have tried the Work again. I’m giving it up to G-d and praying for inner strength and healing for both of us. My husband has disappeared! The man I married, I mean. He has taken to the couch and given up. He does have health issues. He is six years older but now that I’m retired and chomping at the bit to enjoy it all, he has shut down.

On the road to giving up my controlling ways, I tried to make modifications, tried to be more subtle, even thought I was improving at times with some of the techniques below. But all of it got me to the same lonely spot: wondering why my husband was withdrawn, distant and defensive. Cynthia, My husband is 11 years older, and I had the same experience that the man I married disappeared and gave up. I thought it was hopeless and nearly divorced him. But now I have the marriage I always wanted. I’m hosting a free webinar that you would find valuable where I show you exactly what to do to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life: I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.Then I met someone at work that was my idea of perfect, who made it clear he liked me too. He started openly flirting with me, treating me like I was the best thing since sliced bread, getting jealous when I complimented other people, etc. Other people noticed and pointed it out to me and I stupidly thought he was being sincere and actually liked me. I was told he was recently divorced, which was technically true, and he seemed like a genuinely nice guy. So I let my guard down like a naive idiot. I later found out he had remarried, regretted it, and decided to drag some random other woman (me) into his mess. I was embarrassed that he had openly flirted with me in front of other people, I’d done the same thinking it was mutual, and they hadn’t bothered to tell me about the second wife. Two of them were encouraging and teasing me about him and didn’t give a damn when I found out about wife #2 and was hurt. I felt like a complete idiot. I then had the wife ask myself and another woman if we knew any wealthier guys who were single, which made it even worse. I felt like I was being used as a pawn in some screwed up game. I remember when hurtful words were the norm in my marriage. It was such a struggle not to be able to respect his choices or bad decisions. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which restored the peace and passion–and inspired him to be his best self. Humiliation. (n.d.). Emotional Competency. Retrieved from http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/humiliation.htm Jeona, I’m sorry to hear about the cold war at your house. I still remember those at my house, and they were no fun. I’m happy you found your way here because you have the key to making things playful and passionate again. I hope you get your hands on the Six Intimacy Skills. I lay them out in my book/audiobook, The Empowered Wife, which you can read a free chapter of here: Cynthia, Laura teaches a skill called “expressing your desires in a way that inspires.” It is very different than nagging, feels better, and yields better results. It often starts with “I’d love to…”

You should call your mom,” or “you should diversify your portfolio.” I felt this was okay because clearly I was right. 10. Undoing and redoing things he’d just done and then showing him how I did them.

Connie, it is so painful to have such a disconnect with your husband, especially after the changes you made. I really admire your commitment in choosing your faith over your fear. Marwa, it sounds hurtful that your attempt to restore the intimacy was met with such resistance. I love your commitment to staying the course. Meghan, yikes, I’m sorry to hear that the otherwise perfect guy is so controlling and possessive. I can see why it’s too much for you! The underlying message, no matter how you look at it, is that he’s a failure as a husband. In my experience, this wins hands-down for the most expensive way to try to control your husband. 7. Telling him how I would do things.