In Part One, we covered the various reasons and the importance of being assertive, but we have yet to cover how to go about this. Many of Smith's students have experienced a similar problem. Although the students know that they should be assertive, they often hesitate when encountering opposition. The theory and verbal skills of systematic assertive therapy are a direct outgrowth of working with normal human beings, trying to teach them something about how to cope effectively with the conflicts we all have in living with each other. My initial motivation for developing a systematic approach for learning to cope assertively began with my appointment as a Field Assessment Officer at the Peace Corps Training and Development Center in the hills near Escondido, California, during the summer and fall of 1969. During this period, I observed with dismay that the traditional techniques—fancifully known as the “armamentarium”—of the clinical psychologist (or of any theraputic discipline for that matter) were quite limited in that training setting. Crisis intervention, individual counseling or psychotherapy, and group process including sensitivity training or growth-encounter group methods did little to prepare relatively normal Peace Corps trainees for coping with the everyday human interaction problems that most veteran volunteers had met overseas in their host countries. Our failure to help these enthusiastic young men and women became apparent after twelve weeks of intensive training and counseling when, for example, they were given their first dry-run demonstration of a portable insecticide sprayer. Squatting on their heels in a dusty field to simulate a group of rural Latin American farmers were a motley bunch of PhDs, psychologists, a psychiatrist, language instructors, and veteran volunteers dressed in straw hats, shorts, sandals, GI boots, tennis shoes, or bare feet. As the trainees proceeded with their field demonstration, the ersatz farmers showed little interest in the insecticide sprayer and great interest in the strangers coming to their village fields. While the trainees could adequately answer questions on agronomy, pest control, irrigation, or fertilization, not one gave a believable answer to questions that the people they wanted to help would probably ask first: “Who sent you down here to sell us this machine? Why do you want us to use it? Why do you come all the way from America to tell us this? What’s in it for you? Why do you first come to our village? Why do we have to grow better crops?” And so forth. As each trainee tried, in exasperation, to talk about the insecticide sprayer, the ersatz farmers kept asking questions about the trainee’s reasons for coming to them. Not one trainee, as I recall, assertively responded with something like: “Quien sabe … Who knows the answers to all your questions? I don’t. I only know that I wanted to come to your village and meet you and show you how this machine can help you grow more food. If you want to grow more food, maybe I can help you.” Without such a nondefensive attitude and assertive verbal response when they found themselves in the indefensible position of being interrogated for suspicious motives, most of the trainees had an unforgettable, embarrassing experience. In his book ‘ When I say no, I feel guilty’, Manuel J Smith first proposed the ten-point ‘Bill of Assertive Rights’, all based around one key principle: ‘The right to be the final judge of yourself is the prime assertive right which allows no one to manipulate you’. The Bill of Assertive Rights grandmother used to say, you can always find something wrong with someone else if you really want to.” no need to be dogmatic about this, but "sorry" isn't very informative and usually other words are more effective for getting your point across

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills

a: it's bad for you, since it means that your thoughts aren't being heard, and you often end up doing something you don't want to Feeling good about yourself is a major goal of assertiveness therapy. Once we feel good about ourselves, our ability to cope with conflict "snowballs."Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 13 July 2021. But if you're selfish, then you're always looking out for yourself only and would never feel guilty about saying "no" to someone. [3] X Research source q: What is a good response if a friend asks you to do something this weekend and you don't want to? People may also be hindered by the views and opinions of others when making their own decisions. For example, when a sales clerk encounters a customer who wants to return their shoes, she might ask, "Why don't you like these shoes?" This question implies that she doesn't understand how someone could dislike the shoes. In other words, the sales clerk is judging the customer's behavior. If the customer lets the sales clerk judge their actions, they will feel obliged to come up with a reason why they don't like the shoes. If the reason is not justifiable, they are likely to give in and eventually reconsider returning the shoes.

The Fogging Technique - Assertiveness Skills Articles

You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself. Don't say, "I am so, so sorry that I can't walk your dog next weekend. I feel really, really bad about it." You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.Right 10 from the bill of assertive rights is the right to say, ‘I don’t care’. We don’t have to care what other people think, what other people feel or about other people’s ideas. Joe even took away any notion we had about psychologists being the new, all-knowing high priests of human behavior by grumbling i Give the person some alternatives. If you still feel guilty about saying no and truly do wish you could help the person, then you can try to give some other solutions for what can be done. If you really can help the person, just in another way, then don't be afraid to mention it and see if that can work out for both of you. Here are some ways to suggest alternatives: I read this book because I think assertiveness and achieving your goals in the face of other's indifference and/or mild opposition is an important skill. Right off the bat, the first chapter of this book annoyed me, because I felt that there was a lot of speculation, especially about a) the causes of depression and b) the idea that childhood interaction patterns have an inordinately large effect on your adult life. Therefore, I practiced my assertive right to skip it -- and I recommend that you consider doing that too! Auditory hallucinations can be difficult to cope with. But tips, like writing in a diary or positive self-talk, may help you manage your symptoms. READ MORE

Feel Guilty For Saying No? Why and How to Stop | Psych Central

If you don't want others to judge you....READ THIS BOOK. People who habitually judge others are surprisingly weak. Thanks to this book - my main problem in dealing with them now is not winning but in winning without hurting them unnecessarily. I still need a lot of work in that area but am getting better every day. Have you ever found clothes while shopping that you knew for a fact you didn't like, but ended up buying anyway because of how helpful and friendly the sales staff was? What about when your boss buries you under a pile of work? Although you may want to speak up, you keep quiet because of your low rank in the company. In these types of situations, you've probably wondered, "How will I ever be able to express my true thoughts and feelings?" The answer is through being assertive. Porque el libro tiene ejemplos de, por ejemplo, mujeres usando la asertividad para quitarse de en medio a tíos que no les hacen ninguna gracia, dan a entender que las mujeres son libres de usar su cuerpo y su libertad sexual cómo quieran, muestra que el divorcio es una solución legitima y necesaria, o, peor aún para los derechosos, ejemplos de cómo una mujer puede pedir asertivamente a su pareja un poco más de implicación antes del sexo. No me queda duda que en un gobierno de extrema derecha este libro sería uno de los tantos perseguidos y quemados, por "woke" y por "peligroso", pero bueno, supongo que hay gente a favor de la extrema derecha aunque se declaren de izquierdas.

Smith once had a patient named Diane, who worked as a clerk-typist for a company. She was very dissatisfied with her boss, who constantly overloaded her with work until she couldn’t stand it. Despite this, Diane never once expressed her grievances. Instead, her response was to avoid direct conflict. She procrastinated on the tasks she was assigned, and if her boss asked her to work overtime, she would deliberately make errors in typing and take twice as long to complete the work. However, behaving in this manner didn't really help Diane with the problems she was facing, and the stalling would only cut in to her own free time. We might assume that from the example conversation above that our responses may frustrate the other person, providing that our responses are always calm, we should find that they become calm too.