For a moment I stopped breathing. I was certain that my heart was trying to escape from my chest. It wanted to burst through my ribcage and out on to the floor of the shop where it would inevitably become infected with some hideous disease."

You are that flame. And you need to do everything you can to keep that pilot light of self-esteem going. You want keep it on. That pilot light of self-esteem is the thing that is going to protect you from the mental-health issues that will try and sweep in, stealthily, like the slow seasonal change of winter, leaving you horribly exposed. And so while I hate feeling like this – or not feeling, as perhaps I should say – there is also a voice in my head telling me that this state of clinical depression is inevitable given the circumstances, a small voice that gives me a tiny sense of optimism that has always been missing from previous depressive episodes. While some people with OCD become obsessed with cleanliness, it is more likely that they are trying to dispel intrusive thoughts about contamination, from dirt and diseases. When I was 11 I became convinced that I had Aids, and that I was going to infect my family. I washed my hands until they bled and slept with my toothbrush under my pillow so I couldn’t infect anyone. Others worry that if things aren’t “just right”, then bad things might happen. You haven’t touched alcohol for 16 months, after an addict ion to it. How has day-to-day life changed? I received an electronic advanced reader copy of this book in return for my honest opinion. Thank you to Hachette and Bryony Gordon for letting me read this before it’s release.

But it is about heartbreak, obsession… the place that we women are ashamed to go to. When it comes to the end of relationships, it can get a bit obsessive and she is not afraid to go there and write it for what it is. I had predicted their reunion, Barb and Jess, but after seeing the kind of treatment she was receiving from her and Serena I'm unsure if I actually want them to have a relationship anymore. It seems like the hatred runs deep for some reason, and that she actually holds a lot of disdain towards Barb. An additional internal conflict is brought forth by the fact that Barb's aunt said that the doctors and nurses got distracted by her hair when she was born and didn't notice her mother dying until it was too late.

I don’t think it glamorises it. She ends up committing suicide. What your teacher said about ‘girls’: it’s a way of boxing us up again, isn’t it? What I think is that she [Plath] made it very clear to girls like us that you didn’t just have to be good girls who became wives, and that it was normal to have all of these feelings. You summed it up perfectly there: “girls like you.” Most women are girls like us. I think it gives voice to that. We then finally, finally get the reveal of what caused Jess and Barb to stop being friends. They were going to create a YouTube channel together but because of their ages, they needed permission from their guardians. Jess's dad had allowed her to, but when Barb asked Sorcha she basically ranted about how Jess is nothing and that the channel she was going to create was going to be done without Jess and managed by Sorcha. But what was hidden behind this, and had been hinted at in a previous scene where after the month-long break she only had one person message her and it is someone who had the same picture up on their account as the one of her mother which is when we learn that her mother isn't dead but gave her up because of drugs. It was obviously something that hit close to home with Jess so the only thing she could think is that Barb was lying to her to get close to her or gain sympathy points or something like that, which even her father wasn't suspecting but she was hurt. Doesn't excuse her actions though. I used to think that the way I felt made me a freak, that it made me somehow not normal. Now I know it is actually the most normal thing in the world to feel this way. I have learned this, in part, through all the beautiful messages I receive daily from people telling me their stories, the stories they don’t feel they can tell their loved ones. ‘I don’t feel normal,’ they say, as they tell me about their anxiety. ‘It can’t be normal,’ they write, as they detail the drinking they are destroying themselves with. ‘I wish I could just be normal,’ they plead, exhausted by a daily duel with depression. Every time I read these messages, I am reminded how normal it is to hide a truth about yourself you don’t want others to see – a truth about yourself you don’t want to see – for fear it is not ‘normal’. We are all a messy mass of contradictions, hidden in human form. When did I start to feel normal? When I realised that there was no such thing as normal, and that we’re all as screwed up as each other. Screwed up in different ways, yes, but screwed up all the same. It’s worth paying attention to the basics You can cry about them too! It’s like when you’re with a girlfriend who has just broken up with her boyfriend. She’s crying, but then you start joking about how awful he was, or that thing he did: and wasn’t he really a total douchebag? It’s a very human thing, trying to find humour in the depths of despair, and it is always there. It is always there.That is literally how it works. It shuts you off to connection and information and hope, and in doing so, it has a better chance at continuing its relentless march on your soul. The only way to really deal with it is to try your very best to open your mind, even if only by a millimetre at first. The only way to deal with it is to get out of your own way. What does getting out of your own way involve? We often receive calls from those in similar circumstances because CAMHS is so stretched,” she says. “As hard as it is when you have been told to wait a long time for the help that a child needs, we would encourage this grandmother to maintain a relationship with CAMHS. It is important to keep a log of all the interactions you have with CAMHS and other services, so that agreed actions can be documented and followed up.” I have OCD and am in recovery from addiction, but untreated, mental illness snowballs into a million other mental illnesses. I feel like my brain is wired wrong; it doesn’t want the best for me. Left to my own devices, my brain would like me dead. When I am feeling “wrong”, it’s like I am the wrong person, doing the wrong things, feeling the wrong things. I don’t fit. I’m not wired right. So I have to be vigilant. I felt very naked having my words on my face. It felt very uncomfortable. But it’s a wonderful way of taking the shame and fear out of mental illness. Nathaniel Cole I’ve come to see A-fib as my body’s way of telling me to look after myself – when the palpitations strike up, it’s time for an early night and an extra litre of water. And while I had always lived in terror of having something wrong with my heart, strangely, it feels like the best thing that could have happened to me.

The thing about mental illness,” says journalist Bryony Gordon, “is that it doesn’t want to be on the outside. It wants to be in your self and it wants you alone, isolated, thinking you’re a freak. That’s how it thrives. It does not want you to talk about it being there.” Official statistics show that crisis referrals for mental-health cases are up 30 per cent compared to pre-pandemic, while last month, the NHS forecast that there would be an additional 230,000 cases of PTSD due to Covid. I want you to imagine your self-esteem, your well self, the bit of you that hasn’t yet been eaten up by depression and anxiety, as that pilot light. Since 2006, Gordon has written the "Notebook" column which appears each Thursday in The Daily Telegraph, as well as additional special features, such as interviews with public figures. [7] She also writes the "How the Other Half Lives" column for The Sunday Telegraph 's Stella magazine. [8] In 2007, Gordon was shortlisted for Young Journalist of the Year, at the British Press Awards. [9] Gordon also writes for the Telegraph blogs section. [10] The good news is that if caught early, OCD is very treatable, with psychotherapy. And even if you end up waiting until you’re 35 for proper treatment, as I did, you can still get help for the condition. I find that OCD is at its worst when I am stressed and not looking after myself. Coffee exacerbates it hugely, and exercise helps massively. There are books I read by other OCD sufferers when I am in the midst of an episode. Pure by Rose Bretecher provides one of the best insights into the condition; David Adam’s The Man Who Couldn’t Stop is also worth a read. For children, Lily Bailey has written a beautiful book called When I See Blue.I think this interview is special not because it’s a scoop or an exclusive. I don’t think this interview is special because I happened to do it. I think it is special because in Britain, we don’t talk about our feelings. We have bitten our lips, slapped on rictus grins, kept buggering on. OCD has many different subtypes but broadly speaking it involves carrying out behaviours (compulsions) to try to get rid of distressing thoughts (obsessions). To wit: when I was a teenager, I would have to chant phrases to make sure my baby brother was safe. It can happen at any age, though symptoms are most likely to start in childhood. Some women with no prior history of OCD develop it in pregnancy.