I can’t help but grieve and be furious that these beauty archetypes made me feel so ugly at such a young age. But at the same time, taking a more critical and challenging perspective on the limited and limiting beauty standards we’ve been force-fed has helped me close that loop of self loathing. You know, the one that tells you you’re not thin/pretty/straight-haired/light-skinned enough to be valuable. White beauty standards are afforded their power in part because whiteness and proximity to whiteness has been the unquestioned norm for so long that their privileges are almost invisible to those who are elevated. This was not new information to me; I’d always felt resoundingly unattractive when it came to my appearance. And now, here was the proof for everyone to see. Had the troll criticised my writing, called me “weird-looking”, even the customary “fat bitch” or one of the similar insults I’d received before, perhaps I wouldn’t have been quite so rattled, but here was an online confirmation from a stranger of how I really felt about myself. This was indisputable truth: I was ugly. Essentially, it’s about funneling a lot of time and resources into antiaging efforts while maintaining a facade of effortlessness. As DeFino explains, “What makes aging gracefully a particularly nefarious euphemism for antiaging is that it implies antiaging should appear to be effortless. Of course aging gracefully is not effortless—it demands a lot of effort, and then demands even more effort to disappear the evidence of said effort.” “Women are expected to perform the labor of applying cosmetics and then the labor of making those cosmetics seem nonexistent.”

OK, but you know why that’s the case though, right? Yes (sigh). Archaic data on fertility, patriarchal views of women’s appearance and the multiple industries that sell youth to women as the sole beauty ideal. Am I fixed? Do I walk around giving myself high fives in wing mirrors and windows? No. But I feel so much more at peace with my appearance and, instead of dwelling on the time lost feeling ugly, I feel fired up instead. So much of what I uncovered in researching my book – about the history of our beauty standards and how they’re insidiously dictated to us – fuelled a sense of injustice within me that made me want to take ownership of my appearance. I’ll make a moodboard of beauty and fashion looks I want to try just because I love them and they represent me. And I’ll try one new thing every week. Orbach notes that the labor of making one’s aesthetic labor invisible is “so integrated into the take up of femininity that we may be ignorant of the processes we engage in. We are encouraged to translate the work of doing so into the categories of ‘fun,’ of being ‘healthy,’ and of ‘looking after ourselves.’” We've all had those moments. The ones where you look in the mirror and nothing feels ok. For Anita Bhagwandas, this started when she was a child and it created an enduring internal torment about her looks.

GLAMOUR : Hi Anita! It's so good to chat with you today. Congratulations on writing your first book. How have you found the process of talking about your relationship with the word ‘ugly’? She kind of lost me with the yoga bit. I understand her frustration with the cultural appropriation aspect but yoga without the spiritual aspect has a place - especially for us atheists who could benefit from the physical movement aspects of the practice. Perhaps not calling it yoga, as such would be more appropriate. The whole point of me including historical research was to show this is happening again and again. Until we know where that comes from and why that happens, it’s really hard to distance and protect yourself from it.”

You’re too big for it. Here’s a butterfly outfit,” declared the lady doling out the costumes, after looking me up and down and thrusting some trousers into my hands, along with a flaccid-looking cape contraption.Having already noticed the book’s undeniable impact on my own everyday life, and with a new understanding of Anita Bhagwandas’ intentions being exactly this, I can’t help but feel Ugly has potential to be a powerful tool in dismantling this repetitious and outdated notion of unattainable beauty. This is when I started doing research into where our beauty trends come from and the different things that affect them, from politics to colonisation to class – it was a real turning point for me. That's why I wrote the book, to make sense of that void (or chasm) in the middle." Why? Because I don’t feel old and I hate being categorised, but society treats women over 35 as if they don’t exist. We're still told that it's good to be thin rather than bigger... even though we have body positivity," Bhagwandas shares. I remember when I started in the fashion and journalism industry, I felt that pretty much everyone was white. I wish I could tell myself then that the things I thought were working against me were probably going to make my career in what was a very elitist industry. I wish I could tell myself that the difference I felt is a great thing because it gives me a very unique perspective.

You wrote about how the capitalist patriarchal agenda has used beauty standards against women as a means of controlling us. How can we rebel against this and use beauty for self-expression and joy instead? Perhaps the biggest shift was learning why I’d reduced my self-worth to being entirely defined by how I look, and that made me realise how imperative it was to root my self-esteem elsewhere, in the qualities that really define me – my character and positive traits. Because ugly is an ever-changing, politically charged construct – and the biggest lesson I’ve learned is never to trust those binary categories, “pretty” and “ugly”, don’t actually exist. * * * How to resist the ‘jar of hope’ impulse buy This aim is matched by the title’s impact. Each chapter delves into a different intersection of beauty standards – from age to body size, race to pretty privilege – and the unrealistic expectations within them. Bhagwandas says she loves a “practical tip”, which was the reasoning behind ending each chapter with a helpful set of questions to take forward. Is there one overarching practical tip someone could take from Ugly?

“Women are expected to perform the labor of applying cosmetics and then the labor of making those cosmetics seem nonexistent.”

For others it can be trying to access something you’ve always been told you don’t or will never have. Part of my career was definitely driven by being the ‘underdog’ trying to finally feel beautiful and accepted. But for me it was also always about making things more inclusive. I knew women’s magazines could and should be better, more empowering and more inclusive and I wanted to drive that agenda forward." 5. The more we learn, the more we can empower others Orbach continues, “We can see this same concept more clearly in trends like no-makeup makeup and the clean-girl look. In both instances, women are expected to perform the labor of applying cosmetics and then the labor of making those cosmetics seem nonexistent. ‘Aging gracefully’ is much the same! We’re encouraged to participate in the system but also, to make it appear as if we aren’t participating in the system at all.” In her book Ugly, Anita Bhagwandas writes that the societal obsession with youth “might seem focused around lines or wrinkles” but that it actually hides a bigger truth: “It’s about how we are more visible and admired when we are young, how youth is celebrated in all areas of society.” The author’s pre-set experience has added value to the writing process: ‘I’ve worked on the inside of the industry, I’ve got a very unique insight into how so many parts of it work. The personal experiences I explore in the book bring together the elements of politics, history, science and psychology of beauty standards,’ she explains.