billion stars. I love this book. I’ve read a lot of parenting books, and this is right up there with the most useful of them (probably first equal with Alfie Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting). Lots of the experts I’ve read pay homage to the How to Talk principles, but none explain it as clearly as this, with useful anecdotes and chapter summaries. Instead of a good job on getting your coat on, try “you kept on working on those buttons until they were in that little button hole.” One of these is the biological need for recovery time. When we get angry, our bodies are flooded with hormones.”

You can’t go by yourself to the park, but you can play in the neighbor’s yard.” 22. Give Advance Notice Rewarding kids for good behavior/actions is not advised, which I agree with (118). But the book gives the example of a husband offering rewards to a wife for doing as he requests. The problem with this example is that a husband and wife are considered equals in our culture, and equals don’t need to offer rewards or punishments. One merely makes the request, and the other honors it out of love. A boss, on the other hand, rewards their employees with money, and punishes them with firing. The employees won’t work for nothing. The boss is the superior. And a parent is the child’s superior. Kids often won’t do as they’re told out of love for their parents, which is why they need extra motivation. (Bad advice the book gives: If you mistakenly offer a reward to a kid, and the kid fails to satisfy the requirements for the reward, give the kid the reward anyway! [187-188]) Julie and Joanna suggest a great third response: agree with my child that the thing is really important. Tell him that I wish I could reach the car seat to retrieve it. Then really get dramatic with it: talk about having a button on the dashboard that I could just push and a hundred of those things would magically appear! And then ask what we could do with a hundred of those things, until my child is so caught up in the fantasy that he has forgotten how much he wants the thing and we get to where we are going safe, sound, and happy. I’ve actually had to do this a number of times since reading the book. My child’s response still amazes me every time!Replace punishment with more peaceful solutions. The only consequences that you can really manage are logical ones which are subjective. Logic, math are human constructs. Punitive consequences aren’t viable in the working world because employees have choice. Criticism in the midst of a struggle hurts. To say that you are doing fine when the child is struggling. Motivation comes from progress, that “ B is well written.” Appreciate the positive, and then say what needs to be done instead of criticism. Instead of focusing on the mistakes, focus on what the child has already achieved. If there is a dispute over who should have control over the remote, for example, don’t make the dispute something you can belittle because it’s important to the child. Put an empty plate in front of your child and let him serve himself, or ask for what he wants if he’s too young to serve himself.”

Word substitutes: Suggests using “the problem is” instead of “but” after an empathy statement; use “as soon as you do this, we can do that” instead of “if you do this, then i’ll give you that” (18, 120-121). Even if different words are used, the meaning is the same. Using three words that basically mean the same thing as one is just more blah blah blah that the kids won’t listen to. Also, phrasing it like that (“you want the ice cream now. The problem is we have a rule about no ice cream before dinner”), it implies that the problem is the thing preventing the kid from getting what they want, not the child’s desires. But the truth is that the child’s desires are what are wrong. It’s okay to have desires, but it’s not okay to give in to those desires. It’s not good to teach kids that the rules are the problem; it might make kids want to change the rules or get rid of the parents or other authority figures who make the rules. Another bad example this book gives is about a kid who wants to eat more than 2-3 pieces of candy: “It would be nice to have a mother who wasn’t so fussy about food! One of those nice moms who gives you candy for lunch, and it’s all, ‘Oh dear, I must make sure my children are so healthy’” (380-381). This teaches a kid that even if an authority has a good reason for making the rules/laws, if the kid wants what he wants, he is the victim while the authority is to blame as being unfair and mean. I have also noticed I stopped asking my daughters so many questions. I just make statements. Instead of "Did you hurt yourself? What's going on?" I just say "Oh that has hurt!" and then listen to them for a second. Even that slight change in my behaviour makes such a big difference in the way our twins are reacting and dealing with things, just like the book says.

Our voice gives recognition and awareness and truth to the people around us.

In a negotiation, a long pause is sometimes the most effective tactic to come to an agreement. With kids, the same is true. Let your child know that you aren’t trying to monopolize their mind. Stop talking so much. Be comfortable with silence. You will be happier at work, with your spouse and your kids. For over 35 years, parents have turned to How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk for its respectful and effective solutions to the unending challenges of raising children. Now, in response to growing demand, Adele's daughter, Joanna Faber, along with Julie King, tailor How to Talk's powerful communication skills to children ages two to seven. It is usually a dangerous thing to compare someone unfavourably in the work place. Avoid it if you can. Tactics for handling shy kids: prepare the child for what to expect before meeting with new people; have the new people be playful with the child but not demanding; give the child tasks to do instead of pressuring her to be social; don’t label the kid as shy; say to the new people that the child will talk or play when ready (313-315). If a kid won’t say hi, ask the kid to wave instead (317).

Don’t bullshit them when you don’t know something; encourage them to ask friends or family who might have a better answer. So you have an example of a kid who doesn’t want to take a shower because he doesn’t want to wash his hair and get water in his eyes. So you sit him down with a ledger but the kid wants to put down some strange ideas. That’s ok. He comes up with some creative solutions. Parent asks: “what animals do you like shower with?” Child says “A fish!” Parent replies: “Ok which animals don’t like showers and water?” Child answers “Cats!” Parent asks “what about at the swimming pool? How can wash your hair without getting water in your eye?” Child says “I wear goggles at the swimming pool…” Parent answers, “OK then next time you should wear goggles in the bath tub and I can wash your hair!” Describe your child’s progress – Explain the process he/she completed when he/she accomplished a goal like sounding out each letter and putting them together to complete an entire sentence! Give information about the problem rather than accusations. Instead of saying, “You’re ruining the floor,” try “Water on the floor can seep through and ruin the ceiling below.” I could pull over and stop, get out of the car, open the door where his car seat is, and retrieve the thing. That would stop the tantrum before it starts, but it would teach him that he is welcome to have his way whenever he threatens me with a tantrum.

Sometimes we just need someone to listen and nod, not boss us around, or tell us what we’re feeling isn’t the right thing to be feeling.

Give kids information so they’ll know consequences, but do it in a kind, non-threatening manner (61).

Turn a boring routine command into a playful challenge (49). I can see it working the first few times. But if you use it every time you want your kid to do something, the kid will likely tire of your game and stop playing. I tried it with getting my kid to eat: “Your food is saying ‘eat me!’” FAIL. The kid did not eat.

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This book is a practical guide that helps parents and caregivers communicate effectively with their little kids. It's filled with strategies and techniques for understanding children's emotions, dealing with challenging situations, and nurturing strong parent-child bonds. It covers a wide range of topics, from managing tantrums to promoting independence, all designed to make family life more harmonious and enjoyable. When other tactics have failed and you are angry at your kids, going for a run can help (361). You can’t take care of others without taking care of yourself first. The best way to inspire a child to do better in the future is to give him an opportunity to do better in the present.” Pencil out exactly how your child feels, this will help them to calm down, stop screaming and crying will lead to maturity. This same logic is precisely why powerpoint presentations have such a dopamine effect, a good powerpoint provides the illusion of completeness, clear, compelling and memorable. At a minimum, you will feel better after having a visual medium represent your concerns. Same applies to your child. Imagine complaining to a friend about something at work and they respond by a) blaming you; b) questioning your reaction; c) offering unsolicited advice; d) offering fake pity; e) psychoanalyzing you — you’d probably be annoyed. So, yeah. Don’t do that to your kid.