Summer is a comin’. This means war. Mind over mutton. Drastic measures need to be undertaken, and I don’t just mean the Bridget Jones girdle guard (which, in any case doesn’t fit me anymore. As I found out last week when I put it on but couldn’t take it off. At least not without the intervention of a fire brigade). (Well, so what. How many fires do you think they put out at any given time anyway? Its more like a tree kitten rescue job. Trust me, they welcome my sort of problems).

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FOR HER Shagging - a sheep Putting on several sets of false breasts to attract a male sheep 20 calories Letting your chosen ruminant mammal take you from behind 30 calories Running away from the excited farmer 300 calories
TOTAL: 350 calories
69 If you love experimenting with pink or purple hair, a shag haircut is a great choice. The choppy layers will add a ton of volume and texture to your look which you can play up even more by adding in some fun streaks. Ask for long side bangs if you want an instant face-framing effect that’s sure to turn heads. 25. Shag Haircut with Balayage FOR HER Shagging - in front of a romantic fire Watching telly while he’s outside chopping the firewood 0 calories Drinking a glass of plonk while he struggles to get the damn thing lit minus 80 calories Being rogered on the floor whilst worrying if the rug will catch fire 200 calories
TOTAL: 120 calories
89 FOR HIM Shagging - your teacher Reading her your crappy poems to seduce her 10 calories Indulging in sexual techniques you never dreamed were possible 250 calories Trying to chat up your replacement teacher after the first one gets fired for shagging you 10 calories
TOTAL: 270 calories
66 FOR HER Shagging - in a porn film Allowing access to parts of you that are normally exits only 20 calories Trying to keep moist under the hot studio lights 100 calories Faking orgasm twenty times in a day 300 calories
TOTAL: 420 calories
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Did you know every aspect of shagging burns calories? Fact: a 4-10 minute hand job burns 50 calories - that's the equivalent of 1/3 McDonald's original cheese burger! A happy ending for a Happy Meal, not bad eh?

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FOR HER Self-shagging with a washing machine Loading the washing machine and switching it on 10 calories Sitting on it during the fastest spin cycle 30 calories Ironing the clothes afterwards 30 calories
TOTAL: 70 calories
11 FOR HIM Shagging - up the arse Persuading her you got the wrong hole by accident but now you’re there... 10 calories Giving her one right up there 70 calories Washing your nob, your duvet, your pillowcases and sheets...twice. 20 calories
TOTAL: 100 calories
64FOR HER Preparing for a shag Trying on 15 different outfits, none of which disguise your extra pounds 20 calories Squeezing your arse into tiny trousers meant for a 10 year old 5 calories Taking it all off again now that you’ve seduced him 10 calories
TOTAL: 35 calories
21 FOR HIM Shagging - cyber sex Positioning your webcam so that your irresistible body can be seen by all those men pretending to be girls on the Internet 5 calories Spending many hours online trying to find a genuine bird to cyber-shag 10 calories Making do with a Thai ladyboy 30 calories
TOTAL: 45 calories
96 FOR HIM Shagging - a desperate virgin Trying to restrain her enthusiasm before she wears out your nob 50 calories Persuading her that all men are as bad as you in bed 10 calories Carving a notch in your bedpost to record the event 30 calories
TOTAL: 90 calories
72 FOR HIM Foreplay - whilst driving Getting her tits out with one hand on the wheel 10 calories Having a fish and finger pie whilst keeping an eye on the road 20 calories Thinking of an excuse for the accident to write on the insurance form 5 calories
TOTAL: 35 calories
38 The book was a joke for a friend so cannot really comment. It was a very small book. The book was a joke for a friend so cannot really comment. It was a very small book.

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Then would not have been disappointed A lot of money for a very small in size book was disappointed in that partFOR HIM Self-shagging with a porn mag Walking to the newsagent for a porn mag 40 calories Carrying home lots of computer mags to hide the porn mag 50 calories The actual hand shandy 35 calories
TOTAL: 125 calories
10 FOR HER Shagging - swingers Making much more effort to clean and polish yourself than you ever did for your husband 100 calories Making sure your husband washes his balls 20 calories Doing it with other couples because you still have needs but don’t fancy the hassle of divorce 300 calories
TOTAL: 420 calories
87

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Last Name * Please enter a Last Name Please enter a valid Last Name, the maximum length is 50 characters. FOR HER Self-shagging with a banana Walking to the supermarket 45 calories Peeling, inserting and shagging the banana 5 calories Spending ages trying get bits of semi-dissolved banana out of your twat 10 calories
TOTAL: 60 calories
15 FOR HER Finding a shag partner in the gym Twenty minutes on the treadmill getting ignored by everyone 300 calories 10 minutes on the bike getting ignored by everyone 150 calories Giving up and staggering home 50 calories
TOTAL: 500 calories
19 FOR HIM Shagging - a prostitute Asking various women how much they charge before finding an actual prozzie 20 calories Explaining to her that your wife doesn’t understand you 10 calories Stopping half way through to see if you have enough cash to touch both nipples 20 calories
TOTAL: 50 calories
62The shag haircut works perfectly on straight hair, too. With the layers added all over to create texture and movement, your blowout will have an effortless ‘lived-in’ vibe. If you like more defined strands, ask for long side bangs (again similar to the modern shag). And if you want to keep your hair looking shiny and sleek all day long, finish with a light-hold hairspray. 15. 70s Shag Haircut FOR HIM Shagging - with another couple Introducing ’er indoors to his missus 5 calories Making polite conversation about house prices in your area 5 calories Giving his missus a full 10,000 mile service while he takes a ride in the loan car 150 calories
TOTAL: 160 calories
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