If you were granted the powers of a King Midas, but could choose what everything was going to turn into, what would everything turn into?

Would you rather be the first person on Mars (and have life support and food but no means of getting home) or have everyone know that you were the person who was the dancing hand on the Eurovision Song Contest ? I do not really want to add anything to this other than to mention the bloke who replied to this – whose profile picture, inevitably, showed him and his beard on stage leaning at a thirty two degree angle while being ‘whimsical’ – saying “Oh ha ho!Would you rather have to keep two raw, shelled eggs in your cheeks at all times, one in each cheek, or have a jaw made out of glass? There’s a lot more about Timothy Claypole in my look at the little-seen Rentaghost Christmas Special Rentasanta here, and a look at Sir George Uproar’s heartwarming seasonal antics in the corresponding The Ghosts Of Motley Hall special The Christmas Spirit in Can’t Help Thinking About Me here.

But if you had to put a chocolate bar in your vagina, which chocolate bar would you put in your vagina? If you could burn one building to the ground (without harming anyone or being prosecuted for arson), which edifice would you torch?

Although you would be allowed to style your hair and wear appropriate clothes, you would not be able to change your face to look like a famous person. If I’m born a bigot, does anyone have the right to tell me my lifestyle choice is wrong and I should change and be like them? Why did Itsu in Notting Hill change from a sit-down sushi restaurant, with all the stuff going around on the conveyor belt, to just selling stuff out of fridges?

Norris, but only because of the Fist Of Fun sketch with Simon Quinlank tormenting him by phoning him at 3am and asking what is the biggest leaf. Today – which is the 28th of October if you’re watching in the future, listening in the future – in 1453, Ladislaus the Posthumous was crowned King of Bohemia.

Would you rather have pubic hair made of unremovable barbed wire or to be attacked by a rabid badger in your sleep once a week? Is there a part of you that would actually like to live in a Christmas future where Tiny Tim has died in infancy?