Stepfamilies can be a complicated coming together of different groups, requiring the managing of new and old relationships side by side This programme is interesting because, without glossing over problems it shows a family coming together. The relationships are honest, and many recognisable issues are discussed and faced. Most importantly it shows that finding a way to talk together and respect each other’s feelings helps all family members to adjust to their situation. Sometimes people need expert help for this, because when people are vulnerable, with emotions such as grief, anxiety and protectiveness are present it can be difficult to listen to each other. Eight years ago, I married the father of a preteen girl. With my young son from a prior relationship, I thought we would form the perfect blended family. I pictured long conversations with my stepdaughter about boys and fashion — over mani-pedis and lunch dates. I imagined myself as her second mother, someone she would come to for support and advice whenever needed. People living in stepfamily situations need to understand that they have a different type of family than one where everyone is related. It literally has a different shape, and while they remain attached to their idea of a family, they will find it hard to manage the family they have. Stepfamilies are different; they are in some way more like a tribe, a collection of people who are connected through the children, connected rather than related. Years later, I found love again. While my partner and I contemplated the decision to have his teen son come live with us, I sought advice from our premarital counselor. "You need to figure out your role in his son's life and understand what you are not," he cautioned, "Lots of marriages fail under the pressure of becoming a blended family." That was something I knew all too well.

Further reading Why are mother-daughter relationships so complex? Understanding and managing family dynamics 6 ways to organise family life Family constellations: the invisible ties that bind us This is what happens when you visit a family therapistInserting yourself into co-parenting drama can cause problems in your relationship with your stepchild. Support your husband from the sidelines, but let him deal with his ex. That dream began to fade away as I struggled to form a bond with her. She considered me a threat — and misbehaved to get her father's attention. Instead of living happily as a newlywed, I was miserable in my new role as a stepmom. When her father and I eventually divorced, I considered my inability to connect with her more of a failure in some ways than our marriage. I vowed to have a better relationship with my future stepchild, should I become a stepmom again.

You are the person that their father chose to love and brought into their lives uninvited. Let your stepchild take the lead in establishing how your relationship will develop. Abandon any preconceived notions of how your life will be as a stepmom — and make way for reality. Trying to live up to some romanticized ideal will only cause disappointment. Cohabitation may be something your family is not ready to handle, emotionally or financially. If possible, avoid relocating children until you have built a strong foundation for your marriage. His advice has sustained us many years later — and I have learned some valuable lessons about step-motherhood. 1. You must adjust your expectations. Do not assume the role as a parent liaison. You will create tension in your relationship with your husband if he feels you are undermining his authority as a parent.Whether your stepchild misbehaved out of resentment, or unintentionally hurt you, do not take it personal. Put yourself in their shoes before you react. And try to practice patience. This article is about the challenges and possibilities for mothers living with partners who are not their children’s parent. These include stepmothers and women who would not call themselves a stepmother but whose partner has children that are not their own. Living in a stepfamily can be difficult for everyone involved; for many years I have been thinking about what makes this the case, and what helps people living in these situations. Starting with my own stepfamily: I separated from my husband with whom I had two children, and met a man who had a son who became my partner. Therefore I was a mother and stepmother. After I completed my therapy training I was a counsellor on a stepfamily counselling helpline and in 2009 completed a doctoral research project, focusing on mothers in stepfamilies. https://www.stowefamilylaw.co.uk/blog/2014/05/08/nearly-one-in-ten-children-live-in-a-stepfamily-ons-reports/ When the subject of stepfamilies is raised, many people automatically think of stepmothers, and are less likely to consider that for every stepchild there is a mother. In the modern stepfamily, where both parents are alive but living in different places, the biological parent is outside of the stepfamily group sharing his or her children.

Typically the difficulty for both mothers and fathers is that they feel in the middle of everyone; pulled between their own needs for a relationship, their wish to be a good parent for their children, their guilt and grief for their children’s unhappiness and their new partners’ needs for special time with them, which can be in competition with their children’s needs. He entered the marriage with the responsibility of being a parent and his child should remain a priority. Promoting ways your husband can spend quality time with his child can earn you respect and strengthen your marriage. The people in a stepfamily most likely to come to me for guidance and therapeutic support are stepmothers. They often feel that they have no place in the family, that their partners will rush to make arrangements with their exes around childcare without consulting them, and that these often affect them. Additionally their stepchildren are almost like siblings to them, as they want attention from the same person, and often get it ahead of the stepparent. It is apparent that these situations can bring about some very difficult feelings. While most describe liking their children, they also long for alone time with their partners. This might be very different from how their partners feel, and conversations between the parent and stepparent can be difficult as both have things to say that the other finds hard to hear.If she starts a new relationship herself and hopes to start a stepfamily then she has to allow someone who is not her children’s parent into their lives. While there is usually a lot of optimism about this, things don’t necessarily work as smoothly as she would like and often there is conflict between her new partner and children.