From all of my readings over the years on parenting, I still struggle with controlling my own emotions when my kids are having ‘big feelings’. It’s really been bothering me lately, because I know that if I cannot regulate mySELF, then I sure as hell am not teaching my kids how to do so. And worse, I’m showing them how to lose control when things get tough. Embrace the multiplicity of your roles as a parent. You can be fun and authoritative at the same time. You should be many things at once for your child. Understand when your child is having an unformulated experience (like listening to a vacuum for the first time and not knowing what its purpose is and being afraid). You would never dismiss an adult’s feelings of fear and anxiety so why is it normalized to do this with a child? Their feelings and thoughts are just as real and go unregulated meaning they are in even more need of compassion and connection constantly. As a parent, your first goal is safety. If you need to physically remove the child or restrain them, that’s part of your job. Hold the boundaries. Say to your child, I won’t let you hit your sister. The words I won’t let you are powerful because they tell your child that they can count on you. That you’re a safe person who’ll keep them and others safe. Developing a close, considerate, caring relationship with your child based on mutual respect is probably the primary indicator of whether you will have a successful outcome.

Good Inside by Dr Becky Kennedy | Waterstones

Mūsu bērns nevar iemācīties regulēt emocijas, no kurām mēs paši kā tiecamies izvairīties vai atbrīvoties. Mūsu mērķim kaprīžu lēkmes laikā ir jābūt šādam: saglabāt mieru un aizsargāt savus bērnus. Pēc tam mums jāpastiprina sava klātbūtne, lai bērni kā piemēru varētu uzsūkt sevī mūsu pašregulēšanas prasmes, kad viņi izsitas no līdzsvara. Dzīvesspēka stiprināšana nozīmē attīstīt spēju izturēt grūtības, neatkāpties sarežģītā, izaicinošā dzīves brīdī, atrast pamatu zem kājām un labo pat tad, ja trūkst pierādījumu par to, ka gaidāmi panākumi. We want our kids to want for themselves. As parents, we want our kids to be able to recognize and assert their desires, to be able to hold onto the idea ‘I know what I want, even when people around me tell me no.’ But we cannot encourage subservience and compliance in our kids when they’re young and expect confidence and assertiveness when they’re older. It doesn’t work that way. Here’s a sample script to bring all of these elements together: “I was having big feelings that came out in a yelling voice. Those were my feelings and it’s my job to work on managing them better. It’s never your fault when I yell. I love you.” “Parenting doesn’t have to be defined by moments of struggle.”

Parents have the job of establishing safety and connection through boundaries, validation, and empathy. Children have the job of exploring and learning through experiencing and expressing their emotions. We all have to stay in our lanes: Our kids should not dictate our boundaries, and we should not dictate their feelings.

Good Inside Summary of Key Ideas and Review - Blinkist Good Inside Summary of Key Ideas and Review - Blinkist

I’ve read all the parenting books. Literally -- it’s my hobby. There are plenty of people who have great outcomes using more authoritarian methods. And it’s because they aren’t just feeding and clothing their kids and putting them into time out. They genuinely care about their kids, inside and out, and work with them to help them grow into their potential. They are just stricter about boundaries and less indulgent of emotions. If you truly care about your kids they will notice, they will like you, they are more likely to care about what you care about. One of the ways you can do that is with deliberate one-on-one time without your cell phone. You don’t need to take a week off screens or shut off your internet. Just make it a point to have regular moments where your children see you put your phone away and focus on them. This is the best parenting book I’ve ever read. Dr. Kennedy is a clinical PhD psychologist and her approach and methodology to parenting is one of compassion, understanding, patience and engagement. From this book I feel like I’ve learned three key things that all children seek: connection, bodily autonomy and boundaries. Most conflicts arise when one or all of these three needs are not being met. There are so many nuggets of good advice here that all cohere with a grand strategy of recognizing that behaviors are not your child, they are windows into their needs.I have found myself asking this question, or at least trying to remember to ask myself this question, before I respond or react. Asking this question immediately changes our posture from accusatory to one of empathy and listening. Resilience isn’t about getting the outcome you want. Remember, your job is to hold boundaries, not control your child’s feelings. Sometimes you just have to sit through the tantrum, and that’s okay.