Be a sounding board for adult children.Create an atmosphere in which your children always feel like they can talk to you, says Cynthia White, a Canadian-based freelance writer with a 29-year-old daughter and 32-year-old son. “Adult children will not always be asking for advice, but rather, just asking for a sounding board,” White says. And, in addition to keeping the lines of communication open, keep a poker face when they dotalk to you about stuff that makes your skin crawl, she adds. But being the mother of adult children turns out to be something very different from the butterfly-strewn fantasy in which your sons, daughters, their partners and children gather eagerly and regularly for family meals with you at which your every input is welcomed, your politics accepted, your friends respected, and your standing as a family elder is assured. Instead, many women hitting this stage of life are experiencing conflict. How to do life with your adult children When you are intrusive and give unsolicited guidance, your kids don't hear it and they view it as a sign of disrespect." Again, this just feels like a foreign concept to me - feeling disrespected just because someone offers a word of advice. I generally appreciated the attention and the thought for me, whether or not I followed the advice. This book was written by a white, wealthy Christian boomer for other white, wealthy Christian boomers who do American things like 'paying for college', talking at length about 'living by biblical money management and stewardship principles' and having existential crises when their children do things like 'cohabitation' and 'promiscuity'. It encourages parents to reconnect with their adult children by paying for their wedding, doing grandparenting, listening and 'being fun' so that they can happily put off interrogating any of the common reasons their millennial children are avoiding them (homo/transphobia, supporting Trump, being racist).

Whatever parenting adult children concerns arise in this new phase, the challenge often boils down to setting and honoring boundaries: Are you struggling to connect with your child now that they've left the nest? Are you feeling the tension and heartache as your relationship dynamic begins to change? In Doing Life with Your Adult Children, bestselling author and parenting expert Jim Burns provides practical advice and hopeful encouragement for navigating this tough yet rewarding transition. Don't make it about you; make it about the health of the relationship." Well, the first part of this I'd unreservedly agree with. Good parenting is never "all about" the parent. But sometimes there are more important goals than the health of the relationship. I can understand turning that phrase on its head and preserving relationship to preserve influence for the more important things over time. But sometimes there are more important things than being well liked.I took time to inwardly focus on how much I love her and how much I wish for her. Then I talked to her with as much intensity and gentleness as I could, telling her the story about the day she was born, and how I burst with love and commitment for her, and what my wishes and hopes were for her then and now. I didn’t say anything about the matters which had been in contention. She cried and said, “Now I don’t even feel like keeping that plan…” and I won’t ramble about details, but there was a change. He got mad of me and told me that i am bad and i dont have respect to his girlfriend becuase of what i messaged him. Oh and this thirty seven year old soon to be dad….rides a bicycle….can I get some real advice. I do not want to raise a baby. I worked hard and wanted to enjoy retirement. There are even examples often in this book in the setting financial boundaries sections. I think of their functioning independence as being important because one day, if the normal flow of events occur, the parents will not be around to protect and provide and guide their adult children. And other things can be more important than relationship as well. Are you struggling to connect with your child now that they've left the nest? Are you feeling the tension and heartache as your relationship dynamic begins to change? In Doing Life with Your Adult Children, bestselling author and parenting expert Jim Burns provides practical advice and hopeful encouragement for navigating this tough yet rewarding transition.

In the beginning, you think the hardest part of parenting comes with diapers, bottles, and sleepless nights with a crying infant. It isn't until your kids start growing up that you realize each phase brings a unique set of challenges. Toddlers put everything in their mouths, refuse to eat, fight sleep, and climb on everything. Adolescents have no concept of money and don't realize that writing in marker on their dresser drawers, jumping on the couch feet first, or throwing a ball in the house can result in mom and dad having to come up with the money to replace furniture or appliances they hadn't budgeted for that month. Teenagers come with hormones and a search for identity that often result in emotional outbursts of one kind or another. Most parents think that's the worst of it and in many ways it is. Yet, adult children present their own challenges. Be encouraging but not intrusive. You are a consultant at their will. Your job is to be caring and supportive of your child, to mentor only when called upon, and to be your child’s biggest cheerleader."At lunch 80% momentum: I have total faith in our love and in our wonderful family”. 20% intensity: We need you. When tough things happen we need YOU. I’ve probably never said this, and I’m not sure I’ll succeed now in communicating this to you – but the kind of words and actions that would help us include: (call.. send card.. etc) With this book, I wanted to say to women: you’re not on your own.” The struggles with maintaining relationships with your adult children Her cousins roommate moved out and now they are moving in with her. Unfortunately my son will not speak to me unless he has ugly angry things to say. So he completely disrespected what I said and moved her in anyway. But I am the bad guy. Was I suppose to be a doormat. Could I have been less dramatic? Maybe. But i could have also called the police for trespassing but I didn’t. I banged on the bathroom door twice at 1130 at night because of noise. And was loud about the pot. Just ignore it? No I dont think that would be right. Adult children don't distinguish between what we consider an innocent remark or desire to fix a problem, and parental control." This one felt odd to me, probably because I seldom, if ever, felt controlled. [One of my sisters felt differently here, so there's a difference in personality coming into play.]

However, after she met her current fiance we have constantly fought and I really felt that she turned away from me. I realize that she loves her fiance and I really have tried to get along with him. I really feel that my daughter loves me but is abusive towards me.Automatically feeling like someone's trying to control me is a foreign concept to me. Or automatically trying to do things differently just to be different, either. Your post was helpful and made me feel a little more normal in my feelings and situation. My oldest is 41, unmarried and had two sons she’s 19 and 10. Last year she got an apartment with a man she met on the internet. He lived in another state and after meeting him just twice he moved here and they moved in together. I begged her just to date him until they knew each other better but she wouldn’t listen. I told her if she and the boys left my home this time she could not return and she agreed. A few months ago he left and they had both just signed a new lease. She can’t afford the rent and is begging to come home. This will be the 7th time she had done this and I feel like my house has a revolving door. My husband died 7 years ago and our 38 year old son with Muscular Dystrophy lives with me. I feel torn and beaten down as she says hurtful things now that I’m not bending. I also worry about my grandsons. I’m at my wits end. I want her to learn to be independent. I don’t want to enable her. What to do? Thank you for shedding light that enabling will only add to all of our unhappiness in the long run. Make room for significant others in their lives.It may be hard to share your children with their significant others, but these relationships are an important stage in their launch toward independence. Be open-minded and gracious as you meet this person and find ways to get to know them without being too pushy or critical. This doesn’t necessarily mean letting go of adult children but giving them the room to grow and learn at their own pace.